How to Be "All That" at School Dances by TheAsinineArtist

Make Every Night a Prom Night.


I, TheAsinineArtist, have written this article for two reasons. The main one, and probably only one, is to [insert title here]. The other is to be funny, which may or most likely may not be accomplished. I have spent years studying at high school dances studying women; what attracts them, and what doesn't attract them. I've found these answers within the brainwaves of the female mind, and have converted them to tangible text in the form of a guide. If you are a girl, please grow a penis or a sense of humor; either one works. You may borrow mine if you need one.


One of the first steps on your way to laid-dom is proper attire. Walk in with an inappropriate set of clothing, walk out with a desire that only your hand will be able to satisfy. However, in this section, I'm going to set wright from rong. The first step to laid-dom is deciding which set of clothes suits you. There are two major types: The "hip 80's" kind and the "cool-cat greaser" kind. But to find out what to get, take this short test:

  1. Do you like the '80s?

If you answered yes, then the "hip '80s" style is for you. If not, well then you're a "cool-cat greaser" kind. Don't worry! Either type will still get you laid. Here are some examples of the potential of both types:

[Hip '80s]

[Cool-Cat Greaser]

As you can see, both men are very fruitful in their search for teh womenz.

The Last Step

Now that we've covered clothing, you only have one more step to getting to bone any chick you want at the dance. First I must explain the biological function of a woman.

The woman is a very simple machine. They think two things at all times, which are 1. Cook, and 2. Breath. They used to also think 3. F*ck, but over time women's hormones which control the crave to have sex lowered, so man invented medicine in which a woman can take to restore her original instinct. The hormone, gamma hydroxyl butyrate, is not usually carried on the female, so you will want to bring some pills of gamma hydroxyl butyrate with you. But don't go flashing them around, or else you'll have too many women wanting you and not enough penis. In fact, you'll need to slip them quietly into the drink of the women who you want to seduce, because if anyone sees you, they'll want some too. And we don't want to share, do we? Walk up, and if she looks at you, it means she wants some of those pills.

For reference, these are what the hormone pills look like:

[Hormone Pills]

So once you've dressed the dress and pilled the pills (into the girl's drink), allow some time for her to drink it. Then once completed, take her home and you've got it made! Congratulations!

September 2006