Once again, science has come to another breathtaking breakdown in the world of having buttsechs. This text was sent to us by the Doctor in Love Doctor T. Sanchez (he is a double doctor because he is cool) when he refused to hang up after our prank phone call at his house. He feels lonely. If you see him, tell him not to jump off the bridge he is on.

1. This is not an Introduction

Hello People, I am Doctor T. Sanchez and in this guide, I'm going to fill your brain with various things, because I am an awesome shrine of knowledge. Most of you don't know about me, and I honestly don't care. That's why I won't make any introduction about myself and also, let me say I am awesome and I've got a brown mustache. First of all, I'm writing this seduction guide because I often receive a lot of questions attached to bricks like "I am ugly, will I still get laid?" "Is it possible to attract a girl with pheromones?" "Are girls some kind of succubi sent by Satan to take over men?" "Will you stop looking at my ass?" and "You'd better do so because I'm about to call the cops!" Guess what, today I'll answer all of these questions! Get your chemistry lab glasses, because here it comes: No, no, yes, no, does this rag smell like chloroform?

2. Pick-up Lines

This last answer leads me to one of the most important things in seduction: Pick-up lines. They're like candies given through your car window to kids in the street or like a sweet simile. Through ages and desperation, men of this world have invented and tested the best pick-up lines ever. Here's a list of the most influential classics of picking-up lines.

  • "Does this rag smell like chloroform?" (As mentioned before)
  • "I'll be the dog and you'll be the leg"
  • "Your eyes are so nice!" (Note from Doctor T. Sanchez: the important thing is to draw attention. In order to do that, pop the lady's eyes out of their orbits with a spoon)
  • "Hello, I am not Doctor T. Sanchez"
  • "Have you ever eaten a real Italian sausage before?"
  • "This is a real gun. Get in the trunk. NOW!"

The first step in becoming a real terrorist suicide sex-bomber is now accomplished; you may now print and fill this diploma.

3. Understanding Women

Another important thing you need on your path to getting laid is to understand Women. This is not necessary if you have a baseball bat, but it's still useful. After years of searching in libraries, I've found out attractive women were not there. Then, after years of searching in shops and malls, I've become able to understand women in every aspect of their brain. Here's a list of the things men knew on women before me:

  • -
  • -
  • -

And now, here's a list of things men know on women after I came:

  • Tïts looks good
  • Boobies are fun to touch
  • Breast has a good taste
  • Kicks in the nuts are hurtful

Impressive, isn't it? Now this is what I call non-biased media! You should now try your new discoveries with Dr Lith's contribution: Internet Pimp Expansion pack, or how to seduce kids

4. How to seduce small children (Ages 7-13) Guide by: Dr. Lith

So you want to be an internet swinger? You have come to the right internet guide on an entertainment forum on some shitty website. First off, to get the ladies, you need to have a cool, even a pseudo-cool name.

Good examples:

Bad Examples:

Now that you have your pseudo-cool nick name for grabbing the ladies (kiddies), you need to learn how to talk like a smooth pedophile. First off, offer lots of candy and/or treats. They should be oblivious to your real intentions of sexing that young tang.

(04:48:08) (Lith) Hey, want to come to my mom's basement and have candy and treats? I totally don't want young tang ages 7-13
(04:48:25) (vakl) 12
(04:48:41) (Lith) So, do you want to have candy or what?
(04:48:44) (vakl) do you pole dance
(04:49:08) (Lith) By pole dance you mean shove a pole up your ass, yes.
(04:49:18) (vakl) no
(04:49:26) (Lith) Yeah, and there'll be candy
(04:49:32) (Lith) Yeah, just come over now
(04:51:37) (vakl) how old are you
(04:51:39) (vakl) ????
(04:51:45) (Lith) Not a 47 year old man
(04:51:55) (vakl) ok
(04:51:56) (Lith) that wants kids over at his mom's basement
(04:52:02) (Lith) So he can rape them
(04:52:13) (Lith) Yep, just a regualar kid

He has no idea that I want that young ass. I am so smooth. I'm the subtlety king. Now you need to commit the dirty-dirty on the internet. This process is tough. It involves years of practice and awesomeness. Here is the best example you will ever see.

(04:53:49) (Lith) So lets have internet sex.
(04:53:54) (Lith) I'll start
(04:54:02) (Lith) I bend you over the couch and f**k you
(04:54:07) (Lith) And I cu m in your ass
(04:54:11) (Lith) Now I leave
(04:54:45) (vakl) ???
(04:55:12) (Lith) asl ?

You will need some tools for being an internet tang officer of the ABS armada. AIM or YIM are ok. But if you want real tang you should download a program called mIRC to surf the endless source of small kiddies and kiddie porn known to man. If you need help getting your love life out of the dumpster, you know who to call. Call the firemen; they're usually good with this.

Oh you Dr. Lith!

5. Things you should do to impress the other gender

If you're a man, be ready because impressing the strange lizards that are women is far from being easy. In the primitive time, women were impressed by men being hairy, violent, smelly, who owned their own cavern and maybe an informatics shop. If you had an X-box or a car, the primitive women would jump on you as soon as you'd bring stegosaurus ribs back. Things evolved. The evolution chain can be seen this way;

Male: Big Biped Monkey ---> Man
Female: Woman ---> Woman

This interesting scale required the help of hundreds of scientists to be made. Nowadays, it's harder to impress women. First of all, always remember that having a seizure is sexy. The more you seize, the more you are seen as sexy. Also, be as manly as you can. A way to be a real virile man is to prove you never doubt about your sexual orientation: wear heels, skirts and wigs. Women will be so impressed you'll be able to enter their bathroom with almost no problems with the law. Be thoughtful: say things like "have you ever noticed how there's the word "ham" in hamburger while they're actually made of beef?" Girls are also impressed by powerful cars: tell her you have a SUV, an ATV, or a STD. She'll want to get in your pants.

If you're a woman, show your boobs.

6. Seduce over the Internet

Before starting to seduce, prepare yourself to the wilderness of the Internet. To get great info on computers and Internet, I suggest you read MononcQc's hacking tutorial (shameless publicity). Done? Great!
We can move on to the next step of Web Seduction: having a picture of yourself.

If you have no photo, or that you're ugly, use this one of the guy that may be the GREATEST SEDUCER EVER BECAUSE HE HAS TROUSERS

Image of man

You now have a big advantage with this picture. The better way to introduce yourself is by showing things you discovered on Internet, like ways to make money easily, a penis enlargers depot or incredible offers you found. Send a link and a catchy explanation or you won't draw attention. Then massively repeat "WANT HOT HOT BUN SEX". You just had sex on the Internet, you hot stuff!

7. Seduction in real life

Girls love to be caught by surprise. Use a big sheet and wrap the girl you want in it. To show her how manly you are, put her in your car trunk and drive on dusty and bumpy road until she screams. She had an orgasm. This is even better if the road leads to a chalet: you'll notice she screams even more. Unwrap the woman. If she doesn't move or try to kick you, it's that you aren't manly enough in her mind yet. Drive again for few hours until it works. But before wasting your time and gas, check if she's dead. If she is, consider buying a first aid kit for the future or finding other girls. If it worked and she's becoming violent, it means she's ready for the sexual act. Attach her naked on a chair, turn the camera on, and do your job: shout WANT HOT HOT BUN SEX! As fast and as loud as you can. You did it. You are definitely a sex machine.

8. Seduction in the future

In the future, pickup lines will change: we'll now have "does this futuristic rag smell like futuristic chloroform" or "This is a real laser gun. Get in this high tech trunk. IN THE FUTURE! WHICH MEANS NOW BUT IN A FORESHADOWING!"

The blowup dolls will have special abilities like moving, having feelings you can hurt or they'll have a whore option for your friends, where they'll need to pay for her services. The realism will really be pushed as far as possible, but it will cost you lots of money in blowup dolls or in patches as the futuristic sexual toys will need to smoke after sex.

Other changes:

  • food will be available in pills and pills will be available in food
  • Computers will search for porn themselves and get you in trouble
  • Everybody's going to talk in binary by shouting 1 and 0
  • People will fear Y3K bug. Use this fact to comfort scared woman.
  • People will still believe Elvis is not dead.
  • You'll live up to 300 years, but your manly sausage will only work up to 50 years. You'll want to commit suicide for almost 250 years but you won't be able to do so because future's government will cut people's arms off at birth so they never attempt to commit suicide or stop paying taxes.

Also, in the future, every woman is going to be a statistician and/or an economist. Asking them to a restaurant or a movie will look like a waste of time and money. And if you even consider paying for her, be conscious that she'll think you're stupid to waste your own money. Remembering your date's birthday date will also look like a loss of brain space that could be used for calculus or hovercraft blueprints storage. If you still bother to remember this and help the humanity to fail instead of being useful, buy her flowers or chocolate boxes stocks.

Be prepared.

Thanks to Lith for the contribution.