A Man's Man: The Guide to Being a Manly Man
I had finished my usual morning repast of gravel and iron filings and was reaching over to a nearby fence to tear off a piece of barbed wire to use as dental floss when I realized something: I'm as manly as they come.
People often confuse being "a" man with being "the" man, but in reality the delineation couldn't be more clear. Being "the" man is a farce, a sham, a mockery of everything that is manhood. The fact that you have impressed your stoner friends by spooning wasabi paste into your ear may make you "the" man, but it certainly doesn't make you a man. It makes you a jackass, and significantly unworthy of talking to me.
You may wonder how exactly I became such a fierce and exacting paradigm of all that is manful. Let me assure you that manhood is not something you are born into, and can take a lifetime to fully realize. Having chest hair that is indistinguishable from steel wool and pectorals between which one might crush an infant's skull are pluses (and attributes I assure you I possess), but true manhood lies within.
If you too wish one day to walk abreast with the ranks of true men, then I think I may be able to help you. Allow me, if you will, to walk you through a typical day of mine, wherein I shall highlight each act whose purpose is to hone or otherwise maintain a crucial manlike attribute.
The morning begins at dawn, my one eye snapping open (as the other was already so) to greet the sun as it rises majestically over the distant hilltops. Already, if your morning experience differs from this in any way, you are a nancy boy and don't deserve your testicles. Real men always wake with the dawn, sleep with one eye open, and see hilltops in the distance. Hilltops are essential to manhood.
After waking, I leap energetically from my hammock and land with a reverberating thud on a hardwood floor. The thud is a personal touch of mine, and is strictly optional. The hammock, on the other hand, should not be compromised for any reason. Lumberjacks, woodsmen, and trappers all sleep in hammocks, and are all real men. I'll allow you the dignity of drawing the appropriate conclusion.
I've already described to you my breakfast habits, so I'll spare you the redundancy. After breakfast, however, it is time for washing up, and the details here should not be missed. Firstly, flossing is vital, but brushing is for babies. Only vocka should be used for mouthwash or, for true man's men, paint thinner. You may ask whether a person's breath could possibly be acceptable after such treatment, which bring to mind another important point. Many pretenders to the throne of manhood insist on wearing some kind of musk or cologne. Let me assure you that wearing either of these is more emasculating than a castration. Only ladies smell pleasant. Men should always smell like abrasive chemicals or, if possible, smoke. Generally, standing near or upon burning things is an excellent way of acquiring an adequately manly aroma.
As for bathing, let me insist that bathing is out of the question. As for showering, it is crucial that you equip yourself with a man-shower. That is to say, a shower of the following specifications. Firstly, the shower must have only two temperature settings: metal-liquifyingly hot or nitrogen-freezingly cold. Such temperature is crucial for building the two to four inch man-hide that should replace any skin on your person. Secondly, no gentle mountain trickle should flow from your shower head. Instead, be sure that your shower is pressurized well beyond what you are able to endure. To be sure your shower water bursts forth with adequate vigor, give your shower this test: tear a door from your car or truck, and hold said door beneath the shower. If the paint on the door peals or, better still, is ripped completely off, then your shower is sufficiently pressurized. Finally, no shampoo, conditioner, or bar soap should be present in your shower. Lye and Brillo are the only cleansing agents a man needs. Take heed.
Some final pointers follow. As a man, it is crucial that you kill at least three things daily using only a bow and arrow. They needn't be large things, but they must be animals.
Also, let me clear up the confusion regarding computers and men. Computers are fine, and can be extremely manly, if used properly. Computers, printers, mouses, keyboards, these are all acceptable. Any programs, however, are taboo, and should be avoided at all costs. Hardware is rough, burly, and rugged. Software is flimsy, feeble, and effeminate. Know the difference.
Finally, about the manliest hobby a man can adopt is fencing. I'm not talking about poking elongated toothpicks at men wearing giant condoms; I'm talking about building and erecting fences. Fencing things off is about as manly as it gets. I fence things off whenever I get the chance, whether they need it or not.
I hope these pointers are helpful, and can guide you on your quest for manhood. Remember, if at first you are unable to perform these activities, you needn't worry yourself. Not everyone can be like me. With time, however, you may yet reach a state approaching true manliness. Good luck, and Godspeed.
- Sam Tarakajian (Amputatoes)
January 4, 2006