Hamlet Test by Albino Blacksheep team

This is a real test given in a high school grade 12 advanced English class. See if you can pass.

ENG 4A1/4G1 - HAMLET TEST

GENERAL INSTRUCTIONS:
1.Read all questions before beginning to answer any of them.
2.Do not write on the questions sheet.
3.Refrain from making loud noises during the test.

QUESTIONS

1. Have you ever noticed how, in Shakespear's plays, when people say they have seen a ghost, they usually did? Were people more reliable in those days? Were ghosts?

1. Not more reliable, they just had better weed. All the ghosts that I know don't have hands, so I guess that they are no more or any less "reliable" than those of today. Just as an addendum, no I haven't seen any ghosts. -Ryan 1. Francisco and Barnardo had to stand outside a chilly castle all night, so they were probably endulging in a little 'winter warmer'. Horatio and Hamlet were both students, so who knows what kind of flagrant substance abuse they participated in. As for Mr. Ghostie, if he had to spend most of his day burning in the fires of purgatory, you'd think he'd like to spend the little downtime he got relaxing, rather than hanging around battlements winding up students and drunken guardsmen. -Steve 1. No, they just didn't know any better. -Amanda 1. Or, maybe, the whole thing is just a play! Maybe it's fiction! Just a guess. -Daniel 1. sure why not? -scott 1. ive never seen a ghost but i did read shakespear. i went to his house once but didnt see a ghost. whenever my friend who fixes things asks me to like hold some wood or somthing while he cuts it i usually do. hes never seen a ghost or he hasnt told me. he tells me most things, like how his wife lives under the house and the women i see coming in are just there to tempt her out from under the floor. maybe shes a ghost? i must look into that. -norton 1. Ghosts are nothing more than a physical force, originatet from M-theory's 11. dimension, ipso facto, it cannot lie. and therefore beeing unreliable is an impossibility, humans however, are not. -Spider 1. um, You've spelt Shakespeare wrong, there's an 'E' on the end -The Ghost From Hamlet (or perhaps Joe)

2. How long can you discuss Rosenkrantz without mentioning Guildenstern, and vise versa?

2. Everyone knows that Rosenkrantz is so synonomous with Guilderstern that one can not (I mean physiologically) mention one without the other. There has however been one case where only Rosenkrantz was mentioned. This was only due to the fact that they died before being able to finish with a concluding "Guildenstern." -Ryan 2. Probably about as long as you can discuss Tweedledee without mentioning Tweedledum. But they weren't killed by Englishmen. (At least I don't think they were...) -Steve 2.Who the hell are they? -Amanda 2. I agree with Ryan. Duh. -Daniel 2. whos that? -scott 2. 14 hours and 5 mins (except not on fridays) -norton 2. I may be ugly, but that does not stop me from having no clue whatsoever -Spider 2. Rosenkrantz is a nice guy whoGUILDENSTERN! can be quite...oh damn i said it didn't I? well that is VERY hard to do. I mean, You say it without even noticing! gosh and blimey -Joe

3. What did Queen Gertrude see in King Claudius?

3. Wasn't she blind?!? -Ryan 3. He obviously had something that made her want to share an "ensemed bed of damned incest" with him. A Porsche, maybe? Naw, I know..He owned an RV! -Steve 3. A large dick -Amanda 3. She saw that she was in trouble, what with her husband dead. Claudius was going to be king, so the only way for her to continue to have power as a woman was to marry him. -Daniel 3. umm... nothing that i know of. -scott 3. laud only knows (thankyou thankyou) -norton 3. 40m intestine, 1 heart, 2 kidney's, 1 liver, 2 lungs, and a lot of red stuff -Spider 3. What I want to know is why she was looking Inside him in the first place! -Joe

4. Where did Polonius spend his time when he was not skulking behind the arras.

4. Skulking in front of the arras. -Ryan 4. Probably being a fishmonger, as the Lord Hamlet suggests. He may also have had a sideline monging cheese. Or iron. Perhaps he played Basketball for the Elsinore Eagles under an assumed name. Or shot himself out of a cannon. The possibilities are endless... -Steve 4. In the bathroom circle jerkin'. -Amanda 4. He's busy cowtowing to Claudius. -Daniel 4. in a tree outside afat old womans window. -scott 4. can i just say sorry for the previous answer? i will have to guess what an arras is so erm... ill come back to this one. -norton 4. I generally disagree with everyone. -Spider 4. in the NORTH POLONIUS!!!!!! arf arf arf -Joe

5. Consider the effect on Ophelia's future if she had known how to swim.

5. Alternatively, I think that para-gliding would have been a much better activity for Ophelia to undertake. -Ryan 5. She would have 'gotten herself to a nunnery' and become a Bene Gesserit from the book 'Dune'. Then she would have returned and smashed Elsinore to dust with the help of House Harkonnen. (Probably a good thing she couldn't swim, really.) -Steve 5.She wouldn't have drowned. -Amanda 5. Well, I guess she would still die, because she was out of her tiny little mind when she drowned. -Daniel 5.she would have lived. -scott 5. she would have come fourth in the 1973 games after many years swimming her way up from the lower ranks. she died in 1984 after a cameo in miami vice. -norton 5. Seeing as she was out there in the water to drown herself, I aM trYing to cOntrol an OuTburSt oF annoyance -Spider 5. she would've spent all her money in her local swimming baths and not had time to B in Shakespeare's play -Joe

6. Which is the most horrible line in the play? Not counting; of course, "O, horrible! O, horrible! Most horrible!" (I,v,80)

6. Thee Hamlet's mum suck schlongs. -Ryan 6. "Get them wider, Gertrude! Thou canst barely accommodate my Girth!" -(From the version not censored by ye FCC). -Steve 6."I'm cumming!!!" -Amanda 6. I would choose Ophelia's line "he comes before me." That's just rude! You always wait for the lady to come first :-D -Daniel 6. "hi" -scott 6. "she was only a fishmongers daughter, but i said lie on your back and i'll fillet" (I,v,velly chilly) -norton 6. "Oh, glorius Blugblatter, thy Slosh is to me like a Slushclobber from my navel..." -Spider 6. "Romeo Romeo Where Art thou Romeo?" (from the 'idiots publishing guild' version of Shakespeare) -Joe

7. Would it give you cosmic relief to hold in your hands the skull of an old friend? Protractors may NOT be used to answer this question.

7. While my answer to this question would obviously be a resounding "YES" (granted that I was allowed to put those loveable Groucho Marx glasses on it) it is laughable to think this possible as I have never had a friend. -Ryan 7. Probably not, but a Beavis and Butt-Head-esque joke could be made by passing the skull to another person and saying : "Hey! Check it out, I'm giving you head!" -Steve 7.Hell no you sick f**k! -Amanda 7. The holding of the skull is NOT comic relief. The gravediggers are, however. -Daniel 7. no. ru gay? -scott 7. no is an arras a sort of cake? my old friend wont let me touch his skull. i suspect he dosnt have one and is to embarased to say. -norton 7. only if his eyesockets are the right size. -Spider 7. Why Would you want to use mechanically inclined farmers to answer a question anyway? -Joe

8. "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark" Which do you think this statement refers to?
    a)Polonius' timing
    b)Gertrude's taste in wines
    c)Hamlet's luck
    d)Laerte's swordmanship

8. e) Rotten mangoes. -Ryan 8. I would have to say e) Claudius's body odour. -Steve 8. Gertrude must be on the rag. -Amanda 8. e) There was no deodorant back then -Daniel 8. e) hamlets lunch from three years ago. -scott 8. from my window i can see a huge hill upon which is a girls house who i dated for almost 4 weeks. she had 3 glass eyes (one was a spare) and it used to amuse me to hold her nose when she sneezed so her eyes would pop out. the novelty wore off when one winters night my dog caught one and ran off. nice girl though. -norton 8. Rotten is a state, Denmark is a country. -Spider 8. a,b,c,d) Polonius' taste in swordmanships' luck -Joe

9. Consider the king's request, "Come Hamlet, come and take this hand from me," followed by the stage direction: "The king puts Laerte's hand into Hamlet's." (V, ii, 213) Isn't this a little gruesome? "Maybe" is not a reasonable answer but graph paper may be used.

9. I'm a great believing of grafting of miscellaneous body parts, and nothing beats, as the saying goes, things going "hand in hand." See attached graph of y=x.cos(wt) for further detail. -Ryan 9. The king got off on pouring 'leperous distilments' into his brother's ear and poisoning swords and drinks. Being of such a mindset, getting men to hold hands in front of him was probably some kind of kinky turn-on. (I'm surprised he didn't coat 'this hand' in poison first though). -Steve 9.Would you want to hold someones hand after they got done jerkin off? -Amanda 9. Don't be so literal, sheesh! -Daniel 9. are they gay? -scott 9. its quite armless really (again sorry) -norton 9. | | | E | B | Y | A |M |_____________________________ -Spider 9. No, yes, or any degree between these that doesn't equal mabye. I brings to mind the effect of the theory of electrons acting as waves particles simultaniosly (see graph) | | | ! ! | ! ! ! ! ! ! | ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! |_!__!__!__!__!__!_______!__!__!__!__!__!_ Yes Maybe No

10. Ultimately, did Polonius suffer from constipation or not? (A medical certificate is not required to answer but a note from home would help.)

10. I would have to agree with this statement as throughout the play I found him to be full of shit. -Ryan 10. The stabbing of Polonius was actually intended to relieve his constipation. As Syrup of Figs had already failed, Hamlet and his mother decided to concoct a scene whereby Hamlet would pretend to stab Polonius, making him dump his load in fright, subsequently curing his problem. Hamlet had commissioned a fake sword for this endeavour - one where the blade retracts into the hilt - however, he was in a hurry that morning and picked up his real sword by mistake, leading to Polonius's unfortunate demise. -Steve 10.If it won't come out, then, yes, I think so. -Amanda 10. Eh, who knows, who cares. The all-purpose answer! If Polonius can't pee, let him deal with it himself. -Daniel 10. no i think he had the squirts. -scott 10 .whose home? shakespear's? can i go home yet? owls -norton 10. Spider could not come to work today, as he was abducted by aliens last night, and was kept up all night with weird sexual experiments. -Spiders Mum 10. My dog ate it -Joe

NOTE - If you got this far without laughing, please see your doctor immediately. You are probably brain dead!